It's Canon I swear
by DarkLordLongbottom
Summary: Basicly 16 yo Neville and Harry speaking their minds about Fan Fics and Writers. Please do not hurt just Flame me. :)
1. Because it's canon

**_It's Canon I Swear_**

**_The writer of this fan fic. would like to say sorry to any writers out their who may hereby be offended by this story. They are just one man's opinion. And he will gladly tell each of you that you write better than him. For proof look at his prior stories. Also he owns nothing. And keep writing don't let this stop you. The writer here is just a sick twisted freak._**

**_-----------------------------------------------------------------------_**

The Three Broomstick's was quite this evening, with only four patron gracing the famous Wizarding pub. At the bar set one patron the 16 year old Harry Potter. Harry had another tough day at work. And was currently waiting on his room mate, who had just set down beside him.

"Let me have a bottle of fire whiskey." Spoke the 16 year old version of Neville Longbottom. Neville looked his tired eyes over at Harry. And Asked the Question he already knew the answer to. " So how was work?"

"Shitty like always. I mean you would think after book five that it would be clear the I am straight, but oh no. These people continue to make me suffer through the pain of being in love the Draco Malfoy." Spoke Harry as he angrily slamed his bottle of Butter beer down.

After a brief moment of thought and a shot of whiskey Neville spoke up. " Well, Atlas you get Malfoy. I got this new fic today and they got me bloody snogging Snape. And the worse part about it, if there could be a worse part is that he is a vampire. After J.K. has clearly stated he was not. But do they listen, oh no.

"I got something worse than that on my plate for tomorrow" stated Harry "They got me and Granger together again. I mean come off it already people. It's clear to see that J.K. will shack me up with Ginny, who let me tell you is not the Goddess these writers keep making her."

Neville smiled brightly at harry as he spoke again. " I got you. "Loony" Luna Lovegood. I mean I would take her over your two any day. But, i swear to merlin himself they make her more damn odd by the minute. I swear if i have to listen to another one of her lectures about heliopaths or whatever I am going to go Avada my damn self."

The two boy set in silence for a few minutes each taking drinks of the respected drinks. Harry finally spoke up in a somber tone.

"You know what really arks me, what really pisses me off. Sirius is dead long gone. J.K. has stated but, I'll be damn if I don't have 10 Sirius comes back to life fics waiting on my desk at home. I mean can't these people see I am still bloody grieving over his damn death. One story he is alive and the next he is dead."

" I understand completely one moment my mom and dad are there and the next poof" Spoke Neville who was now swaying from side to side. " But the fics I hate the most is when those no good, rotten, disrespecting, dopes turn me into a Death Eater. I mean do you honestly think I would join up with the people who turn my parents into nut cases or in some story's killed."

Harry let out a laugh that sound more like a cat being hit with Crucio than an actual laugh. He looked at Neville after a few minutes and said. " I got this fic going now where I am a dark lord. And I'm killing everyone. And another where I am Voldemorts right hand man. These people are off there rocker if they think I would ever do that. But, then again they do have me fall in love with the first girl i see in their fics and some even have me married, MARRIED I'm 16 years old."

"I hear you" Neville spat as he rubbed his right ear which harry had just screamed into. " It's the 90's people not the 1800's or 2000. I mean you would think after five bloody books they could get the date straight but alas, NO. and another thing that gets my bloody boiling like a hot fudge sundae on a Saturday, is when they turn me into an Idiot, even in Herbology. My closest rival in that class is Granger. They make so I can't even produce sparks from my wands. I'm getting a new agent soon because i am getting screwed."

" Same here mate" agreed Harry " I read these fics that say my mom used some special charm on me before Voldemort came from me. When J.K. stats all she did was die. I mean hell if he would have went to you first and your mother did for you what mine did for me, you would be the boy-who-lived and my parents would wacky. But, What about these story's that make me the riches person in the world, and Godric's heir? I mean I got 20 of them going right now. I swear if J.K. makes me his heir I will crucio myself crazy. No offence by the way."

"Oh none taking I understand you. It's like when they make me into some poor bum living in some ran down house. I mean for merlins sake I AM A PUREBLOOD. My Mom and Dad were two of the best Aurors in the business. Yet do I get any damn respect hell no."

Harry suddenly started to bang his head against the bar table as he mumbled. " I am getting bloody sick of these Mary sue's and Gary sue's they put in these fics. Each and everyone if a god or Goddess, each and everyone has a secret, each and everyone hangs out with me or Draco. It gets annoying."

"Some of the OC's are pretty good, but the Sue family get on my last nerve. They are so perfect with no flaws." Spoke Nevile while making hand movements to make his point better. " They make them into the brightest person at the school and the best fighter. And they always know more about you than you know about yourself"

The two boys sat quitely each plotting their own plot to kill all the beast that goes by the name Sue.

" You know what they have me doing Friday?" asked Harry. He spoke after Neville shook his head. " Harriet Potter. I have to dress up like a damn girl and prance around Hogwarts like an idiot. What is wrong with these writers minds? I swear if they wrote these books it would sell on one copy. AND THEY WOULD BUY THAT ONE."

" No you are wrong" spoke Neville with a smirk. " If they wrote these books they would still be on book one. Seeing as the majority of them don't know how to finish a story or don't update it for two months. I swear I have no idea why I do this. The pay sucks, the hours are lousy, the girls are idiots, the guys are sick, the Professors keep trying to look up your robes. And to top it off when the author doesn't know what to do with you they kill you, just so they can get a shock value."

Harry and Neville stood up both paying for their drinks as they made their way to the door they waved good by to a fuming 16 year old Tom Riddle and a irate Albus Dumbledore.

"Tell me Harry why in merlins beard do we do it? Day in and day out why do we do it?" asked a downhearted Neville as they stepped out of the pub.

" Well, Neville one reason and one reason only. They always tell us the story will be canon."

**_-----------------------------------------------------------------------_**

**_Well, there it is. the Dumbest story you will ever read by the dumbest person you will never meet. For DarklordLongbottom, 16 y/o Neville, Harry, Tom and The old Albus Dumbledore. This is me saying so long and with you may the force be. YODA RULES_**


	2. What Is Canon?

**_Okay I got bored and I did this. So don't worry there will be no more. Lonelysltherinslowlydying gave me an idea of things I forgot about. And hey thanks for the reviews. They were great._**

_**Please Remember I am slightly out of my mind.**_

_**--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**_

_**1 week Later**_

This evening was spent the same like always for Neville and Harry. They sat in the old bar each thinking of the hellish days this week had brought. Neville once again having his bottle of fire whiskey with him, and Harry with his Butter beer. It was awhile before the quite time between the two old friends was broken. Neville had spotted Harry out of the corner of his eye, trying to use wandless crucio on Malfoy.

"Harry, mate? Asked a concerned Neville. Harry gave only the slightest nod that he had heard him. "What are you doing?"

"SUPER HUMAN HARRY FLY AWAY" Screamed Harry as he finally gave up on wandless magic. " Neville, I am getting tired of having to go back in time and become some great super hero. I mean don't they know I can barely even stand in Voldemorts presence. But yet with four chapters of Training I make Merlin himself look like a Squib."

"I never had one of them fics" Stated a sad Neville

"Conceder yourself lucky" Proclaimed Harry " They hardly ever make sense, and the plot, if there is one, or always the same. Must train with the four founders along with Merlin who is also the fifth founder of Hogwarts. Then come back here and beat a pissed off Voldemort with a super Avada Kedarva kick, punch, side-arm through, with a twist."

Neville let out a loud laugh that made a banshee in the room mistake it for their mating call. After fighting off the devil beast, who would only leave if Neville promised he would floo her some time he spoke up.

"I have nothing against a good time travel fic but, I get your point. I mean some of them are good. While others are about as well put together as the American Muggle Legal System."

"Neville you will never guess what my damn agent has signed me up to do next?" Spoke Harry with his head resting on the bar.

"What? Making out with both Cho and Draco in the Prefect bathroom?" Questioned Neville

"I wish" Spat harry " I travel back in time fall in love with a girl, thereby stealing from the person she is meant to be with.

"Um. What's wrong with that? I mean if I got sent back in time I sure in the hell will make myself comfy. So what are you upset about?" Asked a confused Neville

"Lily Evans Potter and Harry James Potter is the ship." Mumbled Harry so low that Neville barely heard it.

And immediately wish he didn't.

"THEY HAVE YOU SHAGGING YOU OWN MOTHER" Shouted a sicken Neville, to which Harry sunk lower in his seat and nodding his head yes. Not for the first time in his life Neville was happy Voldemort picked Harry over him. " Oh, yeah I forgot. You know how Fred and George pick their fics?

"Yeah they blindfold themselves and shoot stunners at them, right?

"Well, lets just say they won't be doing that anymore." At the look he got from Harry he continued " Well it seem the fic they hit is a F/G slash fic."

Harry face paled as he heard this. Now there is nothing bad about slash in his mind. As long as he is not in it. But, this was just plain sick.

"What happen to them?" Asked Harry not really wanting to know the answer.

"Well last time we saw Fred he was in a bed next to Lockhart. And George hasn't been seen since then, last thing he said was that Rednecks shouldn't be aloud to write fics." Stated Neville as Harry nodded his head in agreement.

Both the boys jumped when the irate 15 year old Sirius Black fell into the seat next to them. Snatching Neville's Half empty, or was it half full, bottle of Fire Whiskey and downing it in five seconds flat. He fixed Neville with a look as if daring him to say something about it.

"What's wrong with you young padfoot" Asked a slightly brighten Harry Potter

" LUPIN. REMUS JOHN "MOONY" LUPIN" Screamed Sirius for the whole of Hogsmead to hear. Lowering his voice so just the Three Broomsticks could hear he finished. " I am Sirius Black the Playboy, the sex symbol, voted best looking wizard at Hogwarts 7 straight years. But, in ever fic I get I am going out with that bloody werewolf."

"Better that then having a shagging or two with your mom" Laughed Neville while pointing to the now crying form of Harry Potter. Sirius seemed to think about shagging his mom over Remus for a minute. Then realized that she may not be a werewolf, but she could put a dragon to shame.

" Let me guess" Spoke Sirius " Another emotional break down fic. That has you crying like a baby in ever chapter?"

Harry stopped crying long enough to answer his young godfather. " Ye..Yes..But they also got me being friends with that no good **_'Grease' _**reject Snape. I mean I tell them at the end of the book that I will never trust Snape. Hell I even blame him for the death in book five. But, all of a sudden I hate my father and all that good jive. AND I swear by the name of the great Yoda if I have another 'Harry I am your father Snape/Star wars type thing' going I will call J.K. and tell her to finish me off in book six."

"It would be of no use" stated a pissed off Neville seeing as he didn't have no more money with him and Black had just took his second bottle of Fire Whiskey. " They would just say you were in a coma and came back to life after being taught how to fight by a God or Goddess. And as for you kid you are buying my next damn bottle or I will hex in you into next week.

Sirius never the one to back down from a challenge jumped from the bar seat wand in hand. And spoke in a deadly whisper "You make one move fatter than me and I will make what my cousin did to your parents look like American Idol auditions."

"That will be enough boys" boomed a voice from behind. They all turned to see a very drunk and very beat up Hagrid coming up to the bar and ordering a round. "You lot don't need to be fighting."

"Hagrid? Asked Harry " What the hell happen to your accent?"

"Oh that." spoke Hagrid after grabbing his drinks " You see the only one who can write my language is J.K. so I have been taken classes to prefect my learning abilities. And now I am Bilingual ... Not Bisexual Neville my boy."

"Hagrid you have no idea what any of those words you just said meant do you?." Asked a bemused Sirius

"Nope. But it makes me sound smart don't it." Boomed Hagrid after letting out a laugh that promptly busted the ear drums of Albus Dumbledore " You know speaking of J.K. I got a invite to her house this weekend. Imagine that. Well see you and stay out of trouble."

As Hagrid headed back over to his mates, Sirus lowered his wand and looked sadly at the others " Do you think we should tell him" he asked

"Poor dumb fool doesn't knows what's coming" Proclaimed a teary eyed Harry

"Well at least we know I live to see the end of book six. Seeing as I haven't got an invite." Spoke a relieved Neville who quickly added " Poor Hagrid though" after seeing the Murderous looks he was fixed with.

They all tossed their money on they table and headed out of the bar in cold November air.

"A you flea infested, back stabbing, werewolf raping, shit eater I have a bone to pick with you." Spoke Neville hotly as he had his wand on Sirius. He saw the tears spring up in Harry's eyes and he remembered the fic from yesterday where Vernon made Harry play doctor with him.

"Oh is that so two tons of fun." Said Sirius drawing his wand on Neville " Well, Don't sing it, Just bring it.

"Oh it's already been brought" Spoke Neville as him and Sirius got in to a heated battle. Leaving harry to shake on the pavement. Mumbling something along the lines of 'Uncle I really don't want to Alien the probe you use hurts'.

Ladies and Gentlemen this here is just another sad saga of the on going battle to truly figure out.

What truly is a Canon fic.

_**--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**_

_**Once again People I give you a free look into the mind of a nut case. Remember if you have a fic like this going, do not stop on the account of an Idiot. More than likely I am reading it and will be pissed if you did. Well until next time and with you may the force be. YODA WOULD TKO DUMBLEDORE**_


End file.
